3分钟学会一个雅思7分句/段

Many people today put personal and private information online (address, phone number, and credit card number) to facilitate everyday activities, such as banking, shopping, and socialising. 
Is this a positive or negative development? 
单主体议论文，问利弊。
【立场】positive
【段落示范】【让步-坏处】
1. Admittedly, it is justifiable for some to be concerned about the safety of such a trend.
* 总起句。
2. This is mainly because the Internet, which functions as an efficient medium for information spreading, offers anyone who can manipulate such technology access to hacking into others’ database where their personal and private information is stored, such as addresses, phone numbers, and credit card numbers.
* 详写坏处：出于便利，人们会把比较重要的私人信息存于网络，但存在信息泄漏的风险。
3. The leakage of personal information thus may render people who lack the vigilance trapped in elaborate fraud, leading to financial losses.
* 信息泄漏导致警惕性差的网民陷入诈骗，造成经济损失。
4. However, the above-mentioned issues will be properly addressed, since online platforms are already working on better systems to track illegitimate hackers and punish them in a severe way.
* 反驳：信息泄漏的问题可以被解决。
【解析】
1. 内容（Task Response）*** 特别重要 ***
见文中批注。
2. 组织（Coherence and Cohesion）*** 尤其重要 ***
见文中批注。
3. 词汇（Lexical Resource）
function as 动词词组，意思是“起…作用”。归类于“通用词”。
manipulate 为及物动词，意思是“熟练操作”。归类于“通用词”。
hack into 为动词词组，意思是“侵入（他人的计算机系统）”。归类于“话题高频词”。
leakage 为名词，意思是“泄漏”。归类于“话题高频词”。
render 为动词，意思是“使…”。归类于“通用词”。
vigilance 为不可数名词，意思是“警惕性”。归类于“通用词”。
elaborate 为形容词，意思是“精心制作的”。归类于“通用词”。
fraud为不可数名词，意思是“诈骗”。归类于“话题高频词”。
illegitimate 为形容词，意思是“非法的”。归类于“通用词”。
hacker 为可数名词，意思是“黑客，私自使用[篡改]（他人的）计算机资料的人”。归类于“话题高频词”。
4. 语法（Grammatical Range and Accuracy）
第2句：主句为This is mainly because… because之后的从句部分：the internet offers anyone access to hacking into others’ database.
中间插入了3个定语从句:
(1) which引导的定语从句插入作internet的修饰
(2) who引导的定语从句作anyone的限定性修饰
(3) where引导的定语从句作database的修饰